List of Grievances against the A&E version of
"The Somewhat Ruddy Hued Flower"
The picture was undeserving of the
name "The Scarlet Pimpernel" for it surely was not.
We were going
to pen a review of the atrocity, but found that this list form
is so much easier. This first half was compiled and graciously
contributed by Jennifer J. (dewhurst92@hotmail.com)
Part Un
1. What kind of a disguise is a black
coat, hat, and mask? He sticks out like a sore thumb.
2. Who is Minette? Never appeared in
any of the books.
3. Rescues lack any intrigue at all. "Let's just bust in the door and hit 'em all over the heads
and see what happens."
4. The pimpernel he draws doesn't even
look like a pimpernel. I could do better.
5. Armand St. Just--tactless and stupid.
He was just caught in bed with a girl and he doesn't even know
her?
6. Percy is not funny. A shame.
7. What are these moles on all the
women's faces? Driving me crazy.
8. Prince of Wales is jumping around
like a nitwit the entire time.
9. Ack! Chauvelin's first name is not
Paul! It's Armand, for goodness' sake!
10. Percy's manners are atrocious.
11. The guillotine is too short. It
wouldn't cut a head of cabbage.
12. For the last time, Percy's home
is not called Blakeney Hall!
13. How did Angele de St. Cyr escape
the guillotine?
14. Chauvelin is too blunt.
15. Percy's mask of indifference is
far too thin. It is easily seen
through. And he is too cold with Marguerite--I see no love
at all.
16. Marguerite is rude. Her manners
are only slightly better than Percy's.
17. Percy is stupid. He should know
better than to leave his papers in an unlocked drawer.
18. Chauvelin is a vile creature. He
makes me cringe.
19. Lord Tony is too short. I'm not
that short! (And I would NEVER undress in public company. Or any
company.)
20. A curse on whoever thought they
could turn the story into a barroom brawl.
21. They killed me! Aargh! And Percy
has nothing more to say than "He knew the risks"? Never.
22. Percy should have known better
than to trust Minette.
23. Chauvelin is also disgusting.
24. The guard is so obliging, isn't
he? "Oh, you want my gun? Here, take it! You want to find
Armand St. Just? Well, why didn't you ask sooner? Here, come with
me!"
25. Percy's just too stupid to be the
Pimpernel. He would never have survived in Baroness Orczy's books.
26. The prison scene. Pathetic. They
need to take lessons from Eldorado.
27. Percy just turned into Inspector
Gadget here. Not right.
28. Have I mentioned that the guards
are stupid?
29. So Percy figures to fight his way
out of everything, eh? Umm, no.
30. And Marguerite has no emotions.
31. Why does Chauvelin try to protect
her? Is he really that weak?
32. Robespierre annoys me. Severely.
33. Marguerite is so very dispassionate. "Hmm, my husband and my former lover are fighting it to the
death, so I'll just stand here and watch. I'll take the victor
when it's all over."
Part Deux
1.) Nearly every historical "fact" which
should have been in this movie was wrong.
2.) Chauvelin is too fat, too old,
too uncleanly, and too liberal to be the true Chauvelin. He is
a disgusting pig and an idiot besides. Definitely NOT worthy to
be the arch nemesis of the Scarlet Pimpernel.
3.) Sir Percy is completely and totally
without any doubt WRONG. Just everything about him is WRONG. I
don't think this character could have been more WRONG if they
had given him a different name. He is too short, too ugly, too
skinny, too stupid, too violent, too rude, too non-chalant and
uncaring to be Sir Percy. A pox on this fool.
4.) Marguerite! Fat! Not pretty! Wrong
hair color, wrong eye color, wrong skin tone, wrong age, stupid!
(surely not the cleverest woman in Europe!) Where did her pseudo-Irish
accent come from??? Uncaring, unclever, unemotional, unromantic,
no noble urges in her anywhere! Gad!! I'm going to be sick!!
5.) The League members: Dear Lord,
I won't even start. Lord Tony was an ATROCITY... ooh, ooooh, the
PAIN!! The Horror!!!!
6.) Percy's new motto: Shoot to kill????
I think not!!! Where is the ingenuity and cleverness in running
around shooting people and punching them in the face??? Where's
the preternatural genius? The pluck? The audacity?
7.) Did any of the script writers actually
READ the book?
8.) Someone wrote this drivel down
in a script??
9.) You mean, this crap probably went
through several drafts and THIS was the finished product???
10.) WARNING! WARNING! NO PLOT! NO
PLOT! NO PLOT! NO PLOT!
11.) Excuse me but where did all this
SEXUAL INNUENDO and BLATANT SEXUAL OVERTONES come into this???
NO!!!!! All wrong!!! The Baroness is turning over in her grave....
12.) Hello! Marguerite was not a whore!!!
She had no previous sexual lovers and even if she did it would
NOT have been that pig-faced sweaty Chauvelin!
13.) Where the hell did all these extraneous
characters come from?? I use the word "character" in
the loosest possible sense, seeing as how they had no character
developement whatsoever
14.) I know the guards are French,
but come on!
15.) I just want to smack all of them!!
Part Trois
Having re-watched the movie, there
are even more grievances:
1) Percy goes up and punches people in the
face to distract them??
2) He's so slow that he'd allow one of his
men to be TORTURED for so long?
3)1793?? No! 1792!
4) Black capes and masks? Honestly! Now THAT'S
a clever disguise!
5) Chauvelin physically torturing a league
member? Is this the Spanish Inquisition?
6) Who in the hell is Minette?
7)Armand is demned ugly and stupid. Pity that.
8) How did one of the St. Cyr family escape?
Can anyone tell me?
9) Sir Percy is a WINDBAG and talks too FAST
and is most unwitty.
10) The prince is an old, drunken, ugly sod!
11) "Mackey?" What, pray tell, is
a mackey?
12) Percy and Marguerite insulting each other
without wit, without manner, in public??
13) They hate each other.
14) Marguerite is a whore.
15) Um, the St. Cyr's HANGED Marguerite and
Armand's parents??? What chapter of the book did that come out
of?
16) Who is Marzini??
17)Percy is a cad!
18) Whoa, whoa, whoa. I realize it was a Revolution
but it was STILL 1792 - where did that FEMALE guard come from??
19) Could the cleverest woman in Europe be
just a LITTLE more stupid?
20)Sexual jokes? Percy telling sexual jokes?
um. . .
21) Minette is a serious slut.
22) A traitor working in Percy's house?
23) League members loitering about like idle
dogs? And who are all these aristocratically dressed people on
the street?
24) Percy jumps out of a window by use of a
chair and runs away? Oooh sure. "Gosh, that's dash cunning
of him!"
25)Lord Tony trying to stop a man with a gun
and gets shot -in the head by Chauvelin- and all Percy has to
say about it is "He knew the risks." ????
26)Demmed nice, spiffy outfits those revolutionary
guards have got on, eh?
27)La Force prison? Blakeney Hall? Can't they
get ANYTHING right?
28) AHHH!!! The supposedly very FRENCH Chauvelin
just pronounced the word gill-o-teen!!!!! AHHRrrgh!
29) I want to slap Marguerite. She's too calm
in prison. Marguerite is supposed to be ardent and passionate
and impulsive. And when in the presence of Chauvelin, she becomes
scornful! Distant, aloof. Not "I pity you, ha ha"
30) Oh please, a tunnel? What is this now,
the Count of Monte Cristo?
31)Guns, how clever they are.
32) ANOTHER bedroom scene between a young slut
and an old disgusting . . CHAUVELIN IS NOT LIKE THAT!
33)Here's a clever escape. I'll hold this guard
at gunpoint while Andrew does the rescuing. Good. That's good.
34) And while you've unlucked the door and
gotten Armand, good thing you remembered to shut and lock in all
those other innocent victims. GEESH "Yes, sorry, but I can
only save 4 people today. Bit of bad luck, sorry."
35) Yes, Percy, just leave that rifle for the
guard to use while your back is turned. No wonder you got shot!
36) If he's going to carry a gun, WHY ISN'T
IT LOADED??
37) I believe that tearful reunion in the prison
left MUCH to be desired. Someone should read the book sometime.
Eldorado, what?
38) Percy is going bald.
39) Percy is nothing but a common lock pick.
40) No guard outside of Percy's very door?
Lud.
41) Sock 'em, Percy. Sock'em.
42) Did Percy just STAB someone??
43) Percy's killed an awful lot of people in
this movie.
44) Why does Marguerite have a faint Irish
accent?
45) Why are they cutting her hair off and dressing
her in red? Is she being burned at the stake?
46) Ooh, a cart of fire! I was right! They
are!
47) I like how the soldier at the guillotine
was "sharpening" the side of the blade. Was he trying
to magnetize it or something?
48) Marguerite's nose is defective. It squashes
down on itself just at the tip whenever she talks! hee hee hee!
It's funny. The most amusing part of the whole show!
Were this movie called something other than "The
Scarlet Pimpernel," it might not have
been so bad, for it would have been some other story. Though,
it wasn't a good story.
To anyone who must suffer through this perfidy,
we are truly and humbly sorry.
If you have been fortunate enough to have been spared this dolor,
stay away from it at all costs!
Run! Flee! Lock your doors and windows! Write letters of protest
to A&E!
They usually make good movies/series based on classic novels,
but this time they bought the rights to a real tiddler!
