List of Grievances against the A&E version of
"The Somewhat Ruddy Hued Flower"


The picture was undeserving of the name "The Scarlet Pimpernel" for it surely was not.

We were going to pen a review of the atrocity, but found that this list form is so much easier. This first half was compiled and graciously contributed by Jennifer J. (dewhurst92@hotmail.com)


Part Un

1. What kind of a disguise is a black coat, hat, and mask? He sticks out like a sore thumb.

2. Who is Minette? Never appeared in any of the books.

3. Rescues lack any intrigue at all. "Let's just bust in the door and hit 'em all over the heads and see what happens."

4. The pimpernel he draws doesn't even look like a pimpernel. I could do better.

5. Armand St. Just--tactless and stupid. He was just caught in bed with a girl and he doesn't even know her?

6. Percy is not funny. A shame.

7. What are these moles on all the women's faces? Driving me crazy.

8. Prince of Wales is jumping around like a nitwit the entire time.

9. Ack! Chauvelin's first name is not Paul! It's Armand, for goodness' sake!

10. Percy's manners are atrocious.

11. The guillotine is too short. It wouldn't cut a head of cabbage.

12. For the last time, Percy's home is not called Blakeney Hall!

13. How did Angele de St. Cyr escape the guillotine?

14. Chauvelin is too blunt.

15. Percy's mask of indifference is far too thin. It is easily seen
through. And he is too cold with Marguerite--I see no love at all.

16. Marguerite is rude. Her manners are only slightly better than Percy's.

17. Percy is stupid. He should know better than to leave his papers in an unlocked drawer.

18. Chauvelin is a vile creature. He makes me cringe.

19. Lord Tony is too short. I'm not that short! (And I would NEVER undress in public company. Or any company.)

20. A curse on whoever thought they could turn the story into a barroom brawl.

21. They killed me! Aargh! And Percy has nothing more to say than "He knew the risks"? Never.

22. Percy should have known better than to trust Minette.

23. Chauvelin is also disgusting.

24. The guard is so obliging, isn't he? "Oh, you want my gun? Here, take it! You want to find Armand St. Just? Well, why didn't you ask sooner? Here, come with me!"

25. Percy's just too stupid to be the Pimpernel. He would never have survived in Baroness Orczy's books.

26. The prison scene. Pathetic. They need to take lessons from Eldorado.

27. Percy just turned into Inspector Gadget here. Not right.

28. Have I mentioned that the guards are stupid?

29. So Percy figures to fight his way out of everything, eh? Umm, no.

30. And Marguerite has no emotions.

31. Why does Chauvelin try to protect her? Is he really that weak?

32. Robespierre annoys me. Severely.

33. Marguerite is so very dispassionate. "Hmm, my husband and my former lover are fighting it to the death, so I'll just stand here and watch. I'll take the victor when it's all over."

Part Deux


1.) Nearly every historical "fact" which should have been in this movie was wrong.

2.) Chauvelin is too fat, too old, too uncleanly, and too liberal to be the true Chauvelin. He is a disgusting pig and an idiot besides. Definitely NOT worthy to be the arch nemesis of the Scarlet Pimpernel.

3.) Sir Percy is completely and totally without any doubt WRONG. Just everything about him is WRONG. I don't think this character could have been more WRONG if they had given him a different name. He is too short, too ugly, too skinny, too stupid, too violent, too rude, too non-chalant and uncaring to be Sir Percy. A pox on this fool.

4.) Marguerite! Fat! Not pretty! Wrong hair color, wrong eye color, wrong skin tone, wrong age, stupid! (surely not the cleverest woman in Europe!) Where did her pseudo-Irish accent come from??? Uncaring, unclever, unemotional, unromantic, no noble urges in her anywhere! Gad!! I'm going to be sick!!

5.) The League members: Dear Lord, I won't even start. Lord Tony was an ATROCITY... ooh, ooooh, the PAIN!! The Horror!!!!

6.) Percy's new motto: Shoot to kill???? I think not!!! Where is the ingenuity and cleverness in running around shooting people and punching them in the face??? Where's the preternatural genius? The pluck? The audacity?

7.) Did any of the script writers actually READ the book?

8.) Someone wrote this drivel down in a script??

9.) You mean, this crap probably went through several drafts and THIS was the finished product???

10.) WARNING! WARNING! NO PLOT! NO PLOT! NO PLOT! NO PLOT!

11.) Excuse me but where did all this SEXUAL INNUENDO and BLATANT SEXUAL OVERTONES come into this??? NO!!!!! All wrong!!! The Baroness is turning over in her grave....

12.) Hello! Marguerite was not a whore!!! She had no previous sexual lovers and even if she did it would NOT have been that pig-faced sweaty Chauvelin!

13.) Where the hell did all these extraneous characters come from?? I use the word "character" in the loosest possible sense, seeing as how they had no character developement whatsoever

14.) I know the guards are French, but come on!

15.) I just want to smack all of them!! 


Part Trois

Having re-watched the movie, there are even more grievances:

1) Percy goes up and punches people in the face to distract them??

2) He's so slow that he'd allow one of his men to be TORTURED for so long?

3)1793?? No! 1792!

4) Black capes and masks? Honestly! Now THAT'S a clever disguise!

5) Chauvelin physically torturing a league member? Is this the Spanish Inquisition?

6) Who in the hell is Minette?

7)Armand is demned ugly and stupid. Pity that.

8) How did one of the St. Cyr family escape? Can anyone tell me?

9) Sir Percy is a WINDBAG and talks too FAST and is most unwitty.

10) The prince is an old, drunken, ugly sod!

11) "Mackey?" What, pray tell, is a mackey?

12) Percy and Marguerite insulting each other without wit, without manner, in public??

13) They hate each other.

14) Marguerite is a whore.

15) Um, the St. Cyr's HANGED Marguerite and Armand's parents??? What chapter of the book did that come out of?

16) Who is Marzini??

17)Percy is a cad!

18) Whoa, whoa, whoa. I realize it was a Revolution but it was STILL 1792 - where did that FEMALE guard come from??

19) Could the cleverest woman in Europe be just a LITTLE more stupid?

20)Sexual jokes? Percy telling sexual jokes? um. . .

21) Minette is a serious slut.

22) A traitor working in Percy's house?

23) League members loitering about like idle dogs? And who are all these aristocratically dressed people on the street?

24) Percy jumps out of a window by use of a chair and runs away? Oooh sure. "Gosh, that's dash cunning of him!"

25)Lord Tony trying to stop a man with a gun and gets shot -in the head by Chauvelin- and all Percy has to say about it is "He knew the risks." ????

26)Demmed nice, spiffy outfits those revolutionary guards have got on, eh?

27)La Force prison? Blakeney Hall? Can't they get ANYTHING right?

28) AHHH!!! The supposedly very FRENCH Chauvelin just pronounced the word gill-o-teen!!!!! AHHRrrgh!

29) I want to slap Marguerite. She's too calm in prison. Marguerite is supposed to be ardent and passionate and impulsive. And when in the presence of Chauvelin, she becomes scornful! Distant, aloof. Not "I pity you, ha ha"

30) Oh please, a tunnel? What is this now, the Count of Monte Cristo?

31)Guns, how clever they are.

32) ANOTHER bedroom scene between a young slut and an old disgusting . . CHAUVELIN IS NOT LIKE THAT!

33)Here's a clever escape. I'll hold this guard at gunpoint while Andrew does the rescuing. Good. That's good.

34) And while you've unlucked the door and gotten Armand, good thing you remembered to shut and lock in all those other innocent victims. GEESH "Yes, sorry, but I can only save 4 people today. Bit of bad luck, sorry."

35) Yes, Percy, just leave that rifle for the guard to use while your back is turned. No wonder you got shot!

36) If he's going to carry a gun, WHY ISN'T IT LOADED??

37) I believe that tearful reunion in the prison left MUCH to be desired. Someone should read the book sometime. Eldorado, what?

38) Percy is going bald.

39) Percy is nothing but a common lock pick.

40) No guard outside of Percy's very door? Lud.

41) Sock 'em, Percy. Sock'em.

42) Did Percy just STAB someone??

43) Percy's killed an awful lot of people in this movie.

44) Why does Marguerite have a faint Irish accent?

45) Why are they cutting her hair off and dressing her in red? Is she being burned at the stake?

46) Ooh, a cart of fire! I was right! They are!

47) I like how the soldier at the guillotine was "sharpening" the side of the blade. Was he trying to magnetize it or something?

48) Marguerite's nose is defective. It squashes down on itself just at the tip whenever she talks! hee hee hee! It's funny. The most amusing part of the whole show!


Were this movie called something other than "The Scarlet Pimpernel," it might not have
been so bad, for it would have been some other story. Though, it wasn't a good story.
 

To anyone who must suffer through this perfidy, we are truly and humbly sorry.
If you have been fortunate enough to have been spared this dolor, stay away from it at all costs!
Run! Flee! Lock your doors and windows! Write letters of protest to A&E!
They usually make good movies/series based on classic novels,
but this time they bought the rights to a real tiddler!